This article was originally published in The Mighty on 2/11/18.
Today marks four months since I held your hand for the last time this side of heaven. My heart aches for your hugs, the only comfort from the storm that raged in our lives your last six months with us.
But you are not gone. Even though my tears flow daily, and few moments pass when you’re not on my mind, longing for the time we mistakingly thought we had to watch our dreams come to pass, you are far from gone. For your love lives forever in our hearts.
But oh, do I miss you. More than words can say. Your contagious laughter. Your eyes that smiled when you found joy. And even when cancer stole half your physical body, you were still the most beautiful man I ever met. I hope in heaven you believe all the good others saw that you never could.
I struggle in keeping an eternal mindset of being forever reunited in the daily demands of life without you. Fear of loneliness, regret and wishing we could turn back time overpowers my mind in weaker moments. But the Lord in His strength somehow gets me through to the next day. And I am closer to Him now than I’ve ever been before.
And our boys. What amazing blessings are they? Direct descendants from God. The ones mentioned in your legacy book who taught you what it is to love. Time will only tell the impact your loss will have on their lives. But how can we not give thanks to Jesus, in His infinite wisdom that surpasses our understanding, for bringing the angels helping us along this difficult path?
I hope in heaven you get to see us, and know our hearts are still one because of the love we share. I hope every milestone of our boys’ lives we sense your pride for all they accomplish. I hope with future business or spiritual endeavors I make you proud. And I know the right path as guiding lights of heaven detour from darkness.
I can’t wrap my mind around decades without you beside me. Or can I understand your final command to me. The one you fought with every ounce of life you had left to speak. Your final words before you put the mask back on to breathe for the last time, and after confirming to our boys you saw Jesus. The best legacy a man can leave.
“When I go, you let go.” What does that mean, exactly? And why was it so important as your last message to me? Will I ever understand? I just don’t know. But I love you so much. From the depths of my heart, love that connects us soul to soul. And that I know, is forever in my heart. The part of you I will never let go.