Author: Kel B.

This Father’s Day marks the second year we “celebrate” this now dreaded holiday since holding his hand for the last time this side of heaven. Our hearts ache for his hugs, the only comfort from the storm that raged in our lives his last six months with us. Life without their Dad has left a gaping hole in the hearts of our teenage boys. The ones who called him “coach” from peewee sports through junior high football and lacrosse. They earned their blackbelts together and lived life to the fullest together, until cancer reared its ugly head and forever altered the direction of our life’s path.

But he is not gone. Even though our tears still flow, and few moments pass when he’s not on our minds, longing for the time we mistakingly thought we had to watch our dreams come to pass, he is far from gone. For his love lives forever in our hearts.

But oh, do we miss him. More than words can say. His contagious laughter. His eyes that smiled when he found joy. His positive outlook on life. Always the laid back voice of reason, the one to say no matter how bad a situation appeared in the moment, somehow it would be OK. And even though we may not see it now, my hope is that he’s right.

Even when cancer stole half his physical body, he was still the most beautiful man I ever met. Our souls were connected when we met at the steakhouse where we worked while in college. He never met a stranger who didn’t quickly become a friend, and since many of our female coworkers had crushes, I told him we could only be friends. That only lasted a short while, and after only 3 months of dating, he got down on one knee in a crowded restaurant and proposed. On Valentine’s Day. The same day his dad proposed to his mom decades earlier, as well as his grandad to his grandmother decades before that. He was a man of family tradition. Family was his life.

It didn’t matter to him he was the only adopted son of his parents who struggled with infertility after his mother had a health scare. They chose him, and gave him the happiest blessed life that a sunny California seaside town had to offer. Days of surfing the waves and racing motor cross through the rolling hills were only two of his hobbies he hoped to pass onto our boys when we relocated from Washington state only months before his cancer diagnosis. Those dreams still lie dormant in the hearts of our boys, and sometimes the thoughts of what will never be is still too much to bare.

I hope in heaven he believes all the good others saw that he never could. The joy of purpose he found in fatherhood shined brighter than any star in the darkest sky of the highest mountaintop. He embraced being a Dad with such admiration, even his childhood friends at his celebration of life said they were beyond inspired and a bit ashamed in comparison of all the sacrifices he made for his boys. To him they weren’t sacrifices at all. Being a Dad was without a doubt the biggest honor he ever held. He volunteered as their elementary school mascot, and before resigning due to his illness, had recently been voted in as their high school football booster club president. I used to get angry when I’d come home after a long day at work and find him rough housing with the boys amongst piles of unfolded laundry while dirty dishes overflowed the sink. If only I realized then, he was the one who knew what mattered most.

I struggle in keeping an eternal mindset of being forever reunited in heaven with the daily demands of life without him. Fear of loneliness, regret and wishing we could turn back time overpowers my mind in weaker moments. But the Lord in His strength somehow gets me through to the next day. And I am closer to Him now than I’ve ever been before. Walking through the valley of death with the only man who occupied my heart for almost two decades only became possible through a strength greater than myself.

Then there’s our boys. What amazing blessings are they? The ones mentioned in his legacy book who taught him what it is to love. Time will only tell the impact his loss will have on their lives. But how can we not give thanks to Jesus, in His infinite wisdom that surpasses our understanding, for bringing angels to help us along this difficult path? From our counselor who was with us on his last day, and still walks beside us through the challenges, to our friends and family who continue to show up even on the tough days, we have many reasons to feel the blessings through the pain.

I hope in heaven he sees us, and knows our hearts are still one because of the love we share. I hope with every milestone of our boys’ lives we sense his pride for all they accomplish. I hope with future business or personal endeavors I make him proud. And we know the right paths as guiding lights of heaven detour us from darkness. I hope he knows that on this Father’s Day and every one to come, without a doubt our boys still cherish the best Dad anyone could ever hope for.

It’s hard to wrap our minds around decades without him beside us. But in our faith we know eternity will bring a long awaited reunion that on some days can’t come soon enough. He loved us until his last breath. The one he took soon after confirming to our boys he saw Jesus. Perhaps the reason he kept reaching for the ceiling in the corner of the ICU. Giving hope and assurance there’s more than just this life that’s sometimes filled with so much sorrow and loss.

The best legacy besides being an amazing father a man can ever leave.

Most of my recovery path started behind a keyboard.

Clear minded for the first time in longer than I wish to remember, my brain eagerly absorbed all there was to learn about addiction and recovery. Countless hours navigating the latest trends, epidemics and tragedies of the thousands of lives lost from this forbidden curse we call addiction. And just as much time was spent wandering through the myriad of pathways to recovery I never before knew existed.

But in no way would I recommend doing recovery alone. Isolation leads to what they call in treatment, stinkin’ thinkin. That deceitful little voice in your head that says everything will be alright so long as you just have one. I listened once, which was reminder enough that my brain no longer understands moderation.

1. Recovery thrives in community.

Perhaps with a sober mind, I discovered we actually enjoy creating meaningful relationships with others. Especially with people whose story looks like ours. Relating to someone with the same sorrow and heartbreak. To cheer them on with every milestone and pick them up when they fall. It’s nothing short of empowering. Especially when they begin to like themselves. And the same thing starts happening to us.

Friendship today is so much more than getting drunk together in a bar. Meaningless conversation bringing nothing but the passing of time while the poison erases the pain. I never understood the significance of “community” until I found an online recovery group where I discovered people who really were just like me. Similar stories, but various paths in how they got there. There’s a relief from the pain with support from “the broken” that a loved one’s embrace might never reach.

2. A discovery of a lost passion.

A relatable tribe allows us to seek a lost treasure perhaps only those in recovery truly find. A forgotten passion buried deep beneath the pain of our afflictions. A revival of our inner child, the one who loves to dance in the rain and finds joy in the unearthing of anything new. Discovering recovery blogs and online publications reminded me of the comfort I once found by writing away the worries of my broken past.

Starting my own blog helped me process the pain until shame and regret released their

stronghold. It keeps me focused on how far I’ve come and less tormented by my shaky past.  Laying to rest the dreaded nightmares and delving into dreams where my destiny awaits. My strongest tool in recovery has been reconnecting to my younger self. I’ve restored my joy by writing about the hopes of tomorrow instead of drowning sorrows of yesterday with a swig of a drink.

3. Using our passion to pay it forward.

Where do you go from pinnacle’s peak?

Shuffle with sheep, who lead you astray?

Wander in wilderness where dark horses dwell?

Or stomp the stampede of regret and sorrow

Leaning on promises of the Mighty Warrior

You alone were built to become?

Shame now worn as a badge of honor

Lingering only in the shadow of your mind

Gone but not forgotten

Your past but a detoured journey strengthening your soul

Leading to hope and promises of tomorrow

A light from the darkness that will always prevail.

A Brave Warrior whose blade, now laid to rest

Possessing divine protection which cannot falter

Soars above with wings like eagles

Emerging from flames of fire

Afraid no more, your story be told

From fury to freedom, alive evermore.

For Jordan 2/2018

Reality rushes in like a raging storm

in the darkness of the night.

Lashes of lightning penetrates peace

of a previously sound slumber.

What could have been will never be

the questions remain unanswered.

The fairness of our lives unfair

yet still we must move on.

Why me, why us, why this, oh God?

Have we not yet suffered enough?

Is there purpose for our pain, oh God,

And in this, must we still trust?

With hands held high I give to You,

the madness of my mind.

The tantrums of my sorrowful soul,

The rage I leave behind.

via Daily Prompt: Tantrum

A rivulet of youthful yearning innocently morphed

into a vast sea of eternal love.

The tangible chapters washed away prematurely

by the crashing waves of choice and time.

The arrows launched, forever reminding the earth

of the charismatic impact of his perfectly imperfect existence.

Now confirmed in the shadows of our Lord’s embrace,

A husband and father whose love glistens with the shimmering ocean,

awaiting joyfully in the heavenly realms of evermore.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/rivulet/

This article was originally published in The Mighty on 2/11/18.

Today marks four months since I held your hand for the last time this side of heaven. My heart aches for your hugs, the only comfort from the storm that raged in our lives your last six months with us.

But you are not gone. Even though my tears flow daily, and few moments pass when you’re not on my mind, longing for the time we mistakingly thought we had to watch our dreams come to pass, you are far from gone. For your love lives forever in our hearts.

But oh, do I miss you. More than words can say. Your contagious laughter. Your eyes that smiled when you found joy. And even when cancer stole half your physical body, you were still the most beautiful man I ever met. I hope in heaven you believe all the good others saw that you never could.

I struggle in keeping an eternal mindset of being forever reunited in the daily demands of life without you. Fear of loneliness, regret and wishing we could turn back time overpowers my mind in weaker moments. But the Lord in His strength somehow gets me through to the next day. And I am closer to Him now than I’ve ever been before.

And our boys. What amazing blessings are they? Direct descendants from God. The ones mentioned in your legacy book who taught you what it is to love. Time will only tell the impact your loss will have on their lives. But how can we not give thanks to Jesus, in His infinite wisdom that surpasses our understanding, for bringing the angels helping us along this difficult path?

I hope in heaven you get to see us, and know our hearts are still one because of the love we share. I hope every milestone of our boys’ lives we sense your pride for all they accomplish. I hope with future business or spiritual endeavors I make you proud. And I know the right path as guiding lights of heaven detour from darkness.

I am so afraid my Lord, more afraid than I have ever been in my entire life.

Be still, and know that I am God, He said. You need not worry, for I know the plans I have for you. 

But I thought my plans were to help those who have fallen into the hellish pit of depression and addiction, like the one I fell into years ago that you so miraculously rescued me from, the pit that stole me from my family for way too long. If that is not a part of your plan for my life, why did you allow us to suffer so?

It is not I who caused your suffering, He said.

I only want good things for you. Suffering comes from a place of evil. And sometimes of your own free will. It is the devil who comes to steal, kill and destroy. It is with his temptations and lies that many of my children suffer.

But also, I have given you freedom to choose. And choices have consequences. I didn’t cause your pain, but use it as a lesson. I want you to obey my commandments and have an abundant life.

The curse you felt was not of my doing, He said. 

But, do you not see it was I who answered your prayer when you cried out in despair in those final days of suffering? Did I not give your weak and weary body the strength to crawl out of bed, call for help and carry you away before the eyes of your children were tainted with such a memory? 

Yes Lord, you gave me the strength. I was lost without you. And through my anguish you saw the sincerity of my heart, that I didn’t want to scar my children with a visual of my despicable state. You spared them of that, and for that I am forever grateful. I felt so afraid during those dark days, so alone and as if the nightmare would never end.

Fear not, for I am with you. I will never leave you, He said.

I know, I said. You have always been there for me, in all of my troubles, and many are they. But I don’t understand why now? We have overcome so many obstacles in our lives, and finally have a chance for new beginnings, endless possibilities, and now this?

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it is not for you to understand, He said. One day you will look back and see with my eyes how this all works toward a bigger plan.

Remember the words in Romans 8:28, “But we do know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose”. 

But there are so many ways this doesn’t look good. There are so many hurdles to overcome, and so many setbacks. I don’t see how I can ever look at this situation and know it will work out for our good. My teenage sons need direction of a father, I want to share more life with my husband. I don’t know if I can handle this.

Fear not, for I am with you, He said yet again.

I say in Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust me with all of your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding, acknowledge me in all your ways and I will make your path straight”. This is still true today.

Remember when you cried out to me when Bobby was plagued with infection, asking me for a calm heart if you should wait on getting him help and instead your legs began to shake? 

Yes Lord, I felt your strong presence in that moment and I told Bobby I had heard from you and that we needed him to get help and he finally agreed. I am forever grateful to you, for you saved him from the infection spreading to his organs again like when he became septic only a month prior when we almost lost him.
Just remember in times of doubt, always keep your sight on my word, for it is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. That is why so many call it the living word. The truth will always be as I say.

It’s said in Hebrews 4:12, “For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart”.

But how will we know the right treatment to choose? Or whether we are with the right doctor? This is such a rare disease, what if they don’t know what to do and things don’t get better?

Do you recall not too long ago when you asked in prayer for me to show you a glimpse of my plan so you would know you were on the right path? And the anguish you felt over getting another opinion, as it might mean leaving behind a doctor you were both trusting to be in your best interest? 

Yes Lord, I remember very clearly. It was just a day later that same doctor informed us she was referring us for a second opinion to an outside surgeon at a major hospital who specializes in more aggressive forms of treatment for Bobby’s condition. Before this, we didn’t think surgery was a possibility.

You are in this Lord, I am beginning to see. Thank you for showing me this truth.

And even more Lord, his doctor informed us she was leaving UCI to resume her practice with another doctor who specializes in new and promising forms of treatment. And she asked us to follow her because she believes this doctor and treatment could really help in Bobby’s healing.

But how can we know this is the right path? This means leaving the only place that is familiar to us and starting all over with so many unknowns.

Just as you acknowledged these past occasions when I answered as you cried out to me, you can always seek me when you are in need and I will give you discernment. You know my words from Matthew 7:7, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you”.  

In new hope I pray only comes from you, I believe you’ve shown us signs we are on the right path. Especially because I have been constantly asking for your guidance, which I am finding through your written word, and I do believe your word to be truth.

You have said in Psalm 32:8 “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you”.

You also tell us in many scriptures that you will bring forth signs that will direct our paths. That when we ask, we shall know when the direction comes from you. In Samual 10:7 you tell us, “It shall be when these signs come to you, do for yourself what the occasion requires, for God is with you”.

I believe we are experiencing your signs, which breathes hope into our situation, and for that I give you my praise.

The day after the doctor’s appointment, we attended a football event for our sons. We encountered one of the player’s grandfathers who shared how he underwent the same rare surgery years earlier that Bobby’s doctor is hoping for him.

Even more, with the same surgeon who initially told us Bobby wasn’t a candidate due to his fragile condition at the time. Of all the surgeons in and around this metropolis where we dwell to have the very same one weaved in some way into our stories.

And this man was not only healthy and restored and enjoying his life, but had also suffered many of the same setbacks that had been casting fear into our lives throughout these difficult several months. This was the first time I felt hope rising that his condition could be restored.

In my moments of doubt I must ask myself, how can this not be God?

And Lord, those aren’t the only signs, for we were brought to our knees when we recently learned this new doctor put forth a good portion of his own earnings toward more research, studies and treatment, specifically for Bobby’s rare condition!  With less than 8,000 people in the US diagnosed with this rare disease each year, we are humbled to be directly in this path.

In my strength I believe comes from you, how can I not be certain this is you guiding our way? Thank you Lord!

It’s overwhelming to believe we could actually be a part of something as miraculous as this, but who are we not to believe this is possible? If we know we are your children, truly loved by you, cleansed by your stripes, that promise alone should be enough.

But this feels huge, Lord. This new doctor believes a total cure for cancer is in the foreseeable future, and he hand selected Bobby’s doctor out of many to take part in this unprecedented journey, and we’ve been invited along for the ride. How gracious and humbled are we!

So in your courage and strength alone, we hold onto hope for this to be true. That you love us this much and are continuing to guide our path through this storm. We are your children whom you knew and loved before we were ever created, and your word tells us that in our numbered days we will carry out the plans you have for us, so long as we believe.

In Philippians 1:6 you tell us, “Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.”

We believe Lord. We trust in you. We love you and will glorify your son’s holy name for all the days of our lives and in hopes of bringing those who have gone astray back into your loving arms.

For we believe that you, as the Author, the Creator and the Finisher, have more of our story to tell.

When I finally gave up drinking, I found myself researching a lot about addiction. Many questions lingered in my foggy mind. Where did I go wrong? Why did such a horrible disease happen to me?

After all, before I hit rock bottom, I spent 15 years in corrections, transitioning chemically addicted offenders out of prison. I was paid to construct their path to substance free living. And lock them up when they failed. A paradoxical reality of stripping the freedom from those who couldn’t stay clean, all the while, enslaving myself to the prison of an addicted mind.

During the first year of abstinence, I struggled with the pain I caused my family. As well as regret for what I couldn’t change. I was thankful I wasn’t drinking, and striving to build a meaningful life, but spent many days focused on the brokenness of my past.

Then on a whim, I submitted my addiction story to an online recovery site. And quite unexpectedly, a timely glimpse of awareness shifted the focus of my life. While my story was appreciated, I was told their site focused on recovery, not the problems of addiction. Inquiries about my motivation to change and how my life was different today, helped me realize I had spent enough energy draining out the nightmares of my past.

So began a journey of commitment toward true recovery, which I’ve found to be so much more than abstinence. Here’s what I’ve discovered, words of wisdom I’d heard before, but never rang so true as now.

To love others, we must first love ourselves. Leo Buscaglia

When I stopped drinking, I united with a forgotten passion that made it possible to believe I could like myself again. I discovered old journals from the most pivotal time of my life that bridged a connection to my younger self, where innocence and pain were deeply rooted. I began to write again, and this powerful energy fueled a passion to heal from the inside out. Hoping one day to grow brave, and reach the ones still suffering in silence. I may not like part of my past, but as I begin to understand and accept it, I can use what I’ve learned to help others with compassion, because I’ve had to love myself through the same painful process.

Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave. Indira Gandhi

According to psychiatrist Dr. Gabor Mate’, the root of all addiction is pain. Hurtful life events that leave us wounded and bitter. Becoming aware of this suffering, we allow ourselves to explore forgiveness, a challenging and necessary component for growth. It’s a gift to find the freedom to forgive ourselves and others for our misfortunes. We can’t change the past. But learning and letting go are elements of bravery necessary to overcome and heal.

We are all creatures of habit. Earl Nightingale

Recovery is so much more than no longer consuming our poison. It’s a lifestyle change that requires ongoing practice. If we think about how long it took to become our own worst enemy, we should give at least that much time becoming a better version of ourselves. Early in recovery, I relapsed when I found myself in an unexpected painful situation. I had yet to develop coping skills that would reroute the worn path leading me straight to the bottle. I now engage in activities that promote relaxation to calm my restless mind. A morning meditation, walk in nature and yoga are tools I am purposefully working into my daily schedule.

It’s in giving that we receive. St. Francis of Assisi

The most dangerous place to exist in recovery is isolation. It’s important to stay outside our deeply entrenched negative minds, and focus instead on what good our experience can bring to this world. Sharing our story, serving meals at a shelter or smiling at the next person who crosses our path ignites hope in ways we may never know. Everyone else has a story too. It is through our own suffering that we understand others who still suffer. And by being the voice for those unable to speak, we receive a blessing of strength from those who will eventually listen.

So how is my life different today? My answer has changed from when I was first asked this question.

I no longer look back for too long. I see my life with an awareness of goodness that brings hope, not shame. I spend my days in gratitude for how far I’ve come. Some days aren’t easy, but I keep moving forward. Keeping my sights on the horizon, where possibilities exists, far from the prison of which I am no longer bound.

If I were to go back to school, I would undoubtedly study more philosophy. This self-reflective subject sparked my interest when I attended college for my psychology degree, but the prerequisites to graduate overshadowed my interest at that time.

Philosophy in its simplest form, is the study of ideas on knowledge, truth and the meaning of life. As someone who was stuck in a web of depression and addiction for a period of my life, which crippled my ability to soak up anything worthy of my measly existence, I now yearn to absorb meaningful truths that guide me closer to my life purpose. So many words of wisdom have been spoken from those who have already walked my similar life path, that its my passion to explore their mixture of knowledge and opinions, and ultimately seek my own truth that has always been within. Hidden deep inside the darkness of my self-destructive past.

My purpose as I understand it today, is to bravely share my story of suffering and perseverance without the fear of an ever present stigma and self depriving shame. It is to take the lessons I have learned from my past and share this slice of wisdom with those still wandering in the darkness. There is a way out of our own dark misery, so long as we keep searching for the light.

We were all given the gift of experience that isn’t meant to be kept to ourselves. It is meant to resonate within our own existence to eventually form a light of hope that sparks the power of our will, and shines beyond our own ability for those who choose to see it. And maybe our light shines bright enough to eventually spark a light of hope for someone else.

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light”- Brene Brown

#MyMightyMonth

#Daily Prompt: Infinite

Almost two years have passed since my last drink. The road from addiction to recovery has been a heartbreaking and enlightening journey. And despite the pain, I’m thankful for who I am today.
But what still brings fear is the impact on my children. The mere thought of having a detrimental effect on them easily brings me to tears.

In a clinical report by the American Academy of Pediatrics (1), the short and long term effects of substance abuse by parents on their children include adverse effects with;

-mental health
-emotional stability
-educational performance
-addiction

One study reports that children with substance abuse history in their families are eight times more likely to abuse substances in adulthood (2). Coupled with a genetic predisposition for depression that’s impacted my family for generations, I pray my children are spared this unfortunate life sentence.

But despite my resounding fears, I’ve learned that if I am going to thrive in recovery, I must let go of fear. To become a role model to my children, I must not lose myself in worry over the past. Fear inhibits the ability to move forward. So I carry the lessons from my past and leave the rest behind. I focus on new ways to live a life that’s worthy. I tend to the needs of my children and show how I love them. I may not change their destiny, but I can become the best version of myself while trying.

So here are some tools I’ve learned along the way.

5 steps to loving your children beyond the pain of addiction

1)  Be honest about the past.

Being in recovery allows for a dose of humility if you are honest about the past. It doesn’t feel good to peel back layers of vulnerability that comes with admitting failures. Nor is it easy to venture into the painful parts of our past. And I don’t recommend doing this alone. Connecting with a good therapist, support group or online recovery community are a few avenues of support for what can be a challenging phase in recovery. Somehow, through discovering the root of pain, we understand the “why” behind our behaviors. And we can admit mistakes and seek forgiveness from our children.

2)  Allow their feelings.

Children may struggle with expressing their feelings about addiction and recovery. Give them a safe platform and offer open ended questions that encourages them to find their voice. A couple months into my recovery, my son appeared to have something to say but couldn’t find the words. I asked what he was thinking. After some thought, he said he could forgive but he wouldn’t forget. Even though my heart hurt to hear him speak the existence of his pain, it was important for us both.

3) Let time heal.

Early in recovery, I recognized my children were struggling with hurt and anger over my absence when I was at my worst. It came in the form of resistance, and I get it. The value of my opinion paled in comparison to those they relied on in my absence. And this lasted until I regained their trust with patience and understanding that the healing process takes time.

4) Be present in their lives.

To be present in my children’s lives is an amazing gift that continues to give. As my son makes a play on the field, I absorb the joy in his eyes because I was watching. After helping with homework, I embrace his hug because I was there. It’s these simple moments of presence when I feel l make a difference.

5) Cherish the now.

For almost two years, I barely existed as a human. And even less as a contributing parent. I believe motherhood is one of life’s greatest blessings, so this truth crushes me every time. But if I attach that shame to who I am now, I reduce the chance of loving my children past the pain. So from my heart I suggest, never forget the time lost with your children. But cherish the now. In the blink of an eye, children go on to live their own lives. But there’s so many milestones to reach and memories to share before we kiss them goodbye and watch them fly.

Will all this be enough? Time will only tell.

But maybe, the strength of unconditional love we have for our children becomes enough to mend the pain…and ultimately alters the direction of their predestined path.

1. Pediatrics July 2016 From the American Academy of PediatricsClinical Report
2. Merikangas, K. R., Stolar, M., Stevens, D. E., Goulet, J., et al., Familial transmission of substance use disorders. Arch Gen Psychiatry, 1998. 55(11): p. 973-9.